Artie Lange, referencing the old slogan of Showbiz Pizza Place: "'Come for the pizza, stay for the fun?'... boy does that sound like sh*tty pizza."

In honor of Sprite's upcoming bachelorette party, I've taken up the use of paint pens once again. When I say "once again," I mean "for the first time since 1995, when I spent about 15% of my waking hours drawing Gamma Phi Beta symbols on picture frames and champagne bottles for pledges."

My Dad's artistic gene? Sailed right over my ass. I can't even write people's NAMES with any degree of aesthetics. It doesn't help that 4 of the people who will be at the party (guest of honor included) were art majors. Ah, well. I still have my sparkling personality.

Speaking of bad handwriting, there's this, which simultaneously makes me laugh out loud and breaks my heart a little. Three-second back story: Artie Lange, Howard Stern's lovable but troubled sidekick, hibernated for 30+ hours after a bender and slept through a friend's wedding. He then penned this apology. Even if you have no knowledge of the players, this is worth a read, if only for the opportunity to add "ass baby" to your list of potential insults.