Oh, Randy, Simon, Paula, and Ryan – how I've missed you! Perhaps not. Except for Ryan, of course. Does it seem like the May finale was really that long ago? Good Christ.

I won't be doing full "reviews" until the top-24 or so, but here are my thoughts on the first round of shiznett … if I can get through it. Thank God for Ti-Faux, as I can fast-forward through all the filler, the ads, AND the "Eff you, Simon! You don't KNOW talent!" lunatic rantings.



Ryan spouts melodramatic and ignores Elliott, as per usual, except to show him as a Mary J. Blige-controlled marionette.

Background music for the crowd shot: "Baby O'Riley" by The Who, more commonly (and erroneously) referred to as "Teenage Wasteland." Snorf.

Seacrest has ditched the suits for the hipster look again – yay! It’s the little things.

Paula can't even walk straight, which is no surprise to anyone who saw this. What the eff is up with her these days, seriously? I mean … seriously.

Yay! Guest judges! Boo! Jewel.

Who has promise?

Denise "You're Gonna Love Me" Jackson. A literal crack baby, bless her heart. Of course. Much bigger voice than her 78-pound frame would suggest. Soulful and powerful. Slight pitch/control problems from my seat, but she'll go for a few rounds.

Jarrod "Bless the Broken Road" Fowler. This year's Josh Gracin, except considerably better.

Michelle "If This is Love" Steingas. Spunky and quasi-cute and decently voiced. She loves herself a shit-ton.

Matt "California Dreamin'" Sato This year's Kevin Covais. God, every one is so cookie cutter these days, yeah? Only the truly awful can show any originality.

Rachel "His Eyes on the Sparrow" Jenkins. After 9/11 she decided to join the Army Reserves? She would have been 15. What? At any rate, she's corn-fed and earnest and pure and has some pitch problems but could improve if given time.

Sarah "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" Krueger. Pretty girl who over-pushes her vocals a bit. As an aside, I'm glad Jewel is advancing people based on personality.


Who is deliberately rendering themselves an ass for five seconds of "fame?"

Troy "Some song from Bob and Tom" Benham. Is a lying liar and a very poor man's "Weird Al Yankovic." If he has no TV, and presumably no car, and presumably no radio, how does he know Bob and Tom songs? Suspect.

Charles "Apollo Creed" Moody. I can't decide to what character this guy belongs. He seems to be shilling himself for the camera, but is pathetic all the same.

Trista "Cowardly Lion" Giese. Good God.

Who is just sad, y'all?

Jessica "You Were Meant For Me" Rhode. I never understand how they pick what folks to profile in these little montages. Might have a decent voice if she wasn't trying to sound so affected. What does it say when Randy is suddenly my favorite judge?

Jesse "Unique Vocal Range" Holloway. ODB meets Leroy Wells meets Geri Warner (oh no I didn't!). Iceburg, dead ahead. His tone actually has the capability to be pretty, if he had any control whatsoever and the ability to hit the correct notes.

Tashawn "I Would Fucking Hate Beth's Lyric Quizzes" Moore. 27 and looks 14, so she's got that going for her. Not familiar, however, with grammar, or with words, apparently. Her performance was longer than Prince's entire Lovesexy disc.

Matthew "Folsom Prison Blues" Volna . The success of Taylor Hicks has given very elderly looking 28-year-old the delusion of entitlement.

Stephen "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" Horst. There's a lot of pathos here in the ole Midwest. Lookswise, he's a poor man's Kerr Smith. Vocally, he's a poor man's Anthony Federov. And the judges hate him like poison.

Dayna "Tell Me Something Good" Dooley. Creepy fucking Donny-from-Frasier, possibly connected, boss. Absolutely beautiful girl, voice that doesn't cut it.

Jason "Somebody Love Me" Anderson Oh dear. Oh dear with the props. And the cursing. And the tears. I can't take it.

Brenna "Under Pressure" Kyner A lot of people say "What's that?" It's Pat. Superfan and super-fucking-crazy. And I love Simon's feigned apathy when it comes to absolutely anyone. Finally, Freddy Mercury has arguably the best voice in all of pop-music history. Never, EVER attempt it. Unless "Queen theme night" forces you to.

Josh "Bad Day" Flom. Endearing kid with the coral necklace and the rocking pop and the nice jawline and the humble stooped posture. Another case of a decent voice muddied up by affectations and such. I blame Aaron Lewis for all of this madness.

Who is Hollywood-bound but I hate them?

Perla "Call Me" Meneses . How apropos that the girl living out of her car is judged by Jewel. She is Real World Chicago's Cara Nussbaum sprinkled with cumin. Mealy-mouthed and guttural and overly confidant and off pitch. Does that Shakira/Rascal Flatts affection I hate where the entire voice comes from the back of the throat. So Hollywood here she comes!?



That about wraps it up. Is this thing on again tonight? You're killing me, Murdoch. Killing me.