Top 10 Guys.

Two months from now, it will be springtime, and Our Dread Lord Clive Davis will be picking songs for the contestants, and Idol won't be taking up five hours of my Ti-Faux's time every week, and only Ace, Mandisa, Taylor, and Chris will still be around. And all will be right with the world. Until then? Suffer the little children!

Seacrest in!

Taylor "Puffy Witter" Hicks. "Easy (Like Sunday Morning)," Crazy-ass eyebrows and a winning smile. Commodores. Totally in the box. Voice is the worst it's ever sounded, honestly. A little off pitch and lacking the control it usually has. To be honest, it was fairly rough to endure. Awww, Taylor! But he's still got an interesting vocal tone that I will probably dig forever.

Elliott Yamin. "Moody's Mood for Love," James Moody. (What? Who?) Dude is on the way up, looking better already. Nice Seacrest-y outfit, hair not quite as shellacked. And the ears are recedingMrs. Yamin …. Oh. At least maybe El's dental problem is genetic and not drug-induced. Okay, so, Elliott's voice is pretty flawless. I could listen to him with some degree of enjoyment for quite some time. Nothing more to say. Paula doesn't know who James Moody is either.

Ace is next? Three of my four favorites right at the start? How can I even go on?

Ace Young. "If You're Not the One," Daniel Bedingfield, which Ace called "If I'm Not Made For You" or whatever. Here's what I realized about Ace, watching last week's "Father Figure" performance for the third time with Kell. It's the vulnerability. There are those guys who are moderately attractive that think they are God's gifts, and then there are those guys who are so money and they don't even know it. AND SO… Ace falls into the latter category. He's smooth over everything, charming, and yet TERRIFIED of the judges and incredulous when anyone suggests that he's clearly a ringer in this competition. Maybe it's all an act, but everyone I know is falling for it hook, line, and Aiken. So anyway. Ace : Beanie as Linus : Blanket. Perfect. Eeek. His performance is starting out a bit shaky. He's straining for these notes, folks. I'm dreading the shift into falsetto … and … and … fuck, there goes my $5.00 in the Idol pool. I do like the way he wrapped it up, but man, the other 97 percent was almost cringeworthy. Disappointing.

Gedeon McKinney. "A Change is Gonna Come," Sam Cooke. GAY! BOT! He's ridiculous and frightful. His singing voice, however, is smooth and effortless and mature. Very old-school Platters-esque. Confident performance. If only he didn't have to speak or exist as a functioning human.

Kevin Covais. "I Heard It Through the Grapevine," Marvin Gaye. I want to invite Kevin over for dinner and make him beef stew and peach cobbler and hear all about his day in PreCalc and then set him up with Delia from Everwood. How can you not love Kevin? With regard to his vocals, he needs to work on two things. The lisping, and the uncontrolled vibrato. Because he's got a rather surprisingly good tone, but ultimately he's what he is … a 16-year-old musical theater kid with a set of fairly decent, if untrained, little pipes.

Ryan Seacrest, you are scaring the child. For God's sake.

Jose 'Sway' Penala. "Overjoyed," Stevie Wonder. What's with the Wonderlust on this show? Sway's a likeable, well-spoken kid. I can't complain about him, unless he shifts all-falsetto-all-the-time again. This performance is fine. Pretty much as bland as his khaki jacket/white tee combination. Just not quite good enough considering the competition that's out there this year. Bad final run. Can these kids not hear the band tonight? Christ.

Will Makar. "Lady," Kenny Rogers. Okay, Will gets fried chicken, ambrosia, and Jamie-Lynn Spears. JUSTIN GUARINI ALERT!! And … I'm spent. What the eff is going on with this song? He suddenly sounds spot-on perfect, in that Broadway way that some of these contestants possess. Completely different than last week. And he just looked like Sam Weir, which doesn't hurt. The judges aren't digging, though Simon hears the Broadway thing, too. And apparently I'm an 11-year-old girl, an accusation which I could never deny.

Ryan! NAMBLA! This is making me uncomfortable.

Bucky "Dirrty" Covington. "The Thunder Rolls," Garth Brooks. As an aside, the little "interviews" FOX conducts makes every single contestant sound like a clueless asshole. Bucky, who very well may BE a clueless asshole anyway, for example, says his favorite male vocalist is Eminem, but then answers like four questions with "Kid Rock." "Kid Rock" is his "American Idol." "Kid Rock" is his inspiration. "Kid Rock" will be the first person Bucky will thank if he win. "Kid Rock" and Seven is Bucky's favorite beverage. It's just odd. God, this hoosier's patter is insufferable, and my sweet LORD the underside of his hair is shaved. So is he a greasy redneck or a skater punk? I guess a perverse combination of both. And the vocals aren't horrendous, but they aren't any better than Joe Average Karaoke. I do think he's an okay dude, personality wise. All these assholes are, really. Makes it hard to really root against any of them.

David "Oh-the-Humanity" Radford. "The Way You Look Tonight," Frank Sinatra. WAY TO STRETCH YOURSELF, hack. The new haircut is nice, however. Crooning is the entertainment provided in Dante's seventh circle of hell, right below the caning that occurs in level six. It's like listening to Cameron Frye try to sing while he's imitating Sloan Peterson's father. I do like watching the peanut gallery rock out in the balcony. This irritating, stonefaced Colin Hanks lookalike has to go, but I'm guessing it won't be anytime soon, because he's too young and cute. Of COURSE.

Chris Daughtry. "Hemorrhage (In My Hands)," Fuel. Fuel! I actually clapped in the privacy of my own living room. Yet another solid, down-to-earth dude. How can you not root for the loving stepdad? And besides? He's phenomenal. This is better than the real song, which I completely love. Fecking wow. I am stunned. Ace and Chris final two. You heard it hear first.

Gone tomorrow? Probably Gedeon and Sway, with the slight possibility of Will stepping out as well, if Kevin monopolizes the teeny-bop vote. The folks that took Bo to number two will keep Bucky around for a bit longer.